Cancer & the loss of libido: The desire double-bind.
There’s two major themes I have noticed come up in my years of fighting cancer and from the thousands of cancer fighters and thrivers I’ve communicated with.
It makes sense we’re not gagging for it. Cancer is the worst full-time job we will ever have and the only way to get through it, is to take treatments that damage our bodies and minds. I often say “I’m not fighting cancer; I’m fighting cancer treatments”.
The truth is, desire and cancer are a total double-bind. I’ll explain;
Our brain is our largest sex organ, so when we're tired, worried and stressed (even with a pre-cancer body), our desire and libido drop, the ‘wanting’ just disappears.
When we’re stressed, we have less desire… when we have less desire, we’re stressed. It's such a catch as the guilt and concerns about not wanting sex are contributors to us not wanting it!
Here’s the part where you have hope. Yes, our brain is our largest sex organ, but it’s also changeable! We can rewire our brain, to want again!
Focussing on intimacy as a way to neurologically ‘rewire’ our pleasure is a way to achieve this. Cuddling, kissing, touching, words of love, all of these things contribute to your feeling warm, safe and intimate with your partner and that can help reduce the pressure of it all. Why? Because when we take the pressure off, when we remove 'sex' from the equation, people start to feel less hesitant about it and it becomes less of an obligation. Over time with a little connection, we can change the way we think and feel about intimacy, becoming more relaxed about sex (more info on how to do that here).
This moves sex from something that we SHOULD do, to something we WANT to do.
Let’s not forget there’s stress on both sides. Partners can be petrified of hurting us. We have changed bodies, body parts that have been removed or replaced, pain and changed sensitivity. It’s scary on both sides. The bridge between the absence of sex and having sex, is connection, affection and intimacy.
Plus, you can have very erotic experiences without having to have ‘sex’.
You can offer sensual delicious full body massage, watch porn together, tell each other fantasises while touching each other softly, reading erotic literature together, help them self-pleasure, go online toy shopping together, naked cuddling with the disclaimer that it isn't going to lead to anything or go anywhere, you're just enjoying each other’s skin (when you remove that pressure and just enjoy each other’s bodies, arousal can follow). Playing the 2 minute game is great for mismatched libido and it's a bunch of fun!
Think about: What makes you feel good? What makes them feel good?
Write it down and try some things! Remember you can give touch without having to receive it. Sex does not always need to be two-way; it can be one way! And offering a partner pleasure can feel really fun for you too!
Please know that you are normal. After cancer, desire becomes 'reactive' rather than 'proactive'. We can't expect to want sex all of the time, it's just not possible in our lives, especially during and after treatments. We need our brains to reconnect to our bodies, bodies that we have been trying to disconnect from during treatments as a way to cope.
Make intimacy your priority, feel connected and reduce that guilt. Communicate, kiss, hug, be together, go slowly. Let your brain have time to quiet down enough to really enjoy the touch and sensations you’re feeling and kick-start that neural re-wiring process so you start to want again. That’s when we can have desire, that's when we can proactively start to want again (for more info on libido and its recovery, click here).
When we're feeling loved, warm, relaxed and connected, THAT'S when you start to want. That's when 'desire' can exist.
For some of us, reading the information can be enough, but others need a little more practical guidance on the HOW to do this. So if you're curious to know more about how to get your desire back with someone guiding you the whole way, check out this online libido recovery course for couples.
You don't have to do this alone.
...
If you're after information on all things intimacy and cancer, seeTHE BOOK.
If you're impacted by cancer and need support regarding the more 'intimate' struggles we face, join the private facebook group: 'Intimacy and Cancer' for support with thousands of people diagnosed with cancer, from over 40 countries.
- The lingering fatigue that we just can’t shake.
- The loss of libido/desire that we just can’t recover.
It makes sense we’re not gagging for it. Cancer is the worst full-time job we will ever have and the only way to get through it, is to take treatments that damage our bodies and minds. I often say “I’m not fighting cancer; I’m fighting cancer treatments”.
The truth is, desire and cancer are a total double-bind. I’ll explain;
Our brain is our largest sex organ, so when we're tired, worried and stressed (even with a pre-cancer body), our desire and libido drop, the ‘wanting’ just disappears.
When we’re stressed, we have less desire… when we have less desire, we’re stressed. It's such a catch as the guilt and concerns about not wanting sex are contributors to us not wanting it!
Here’s the part where you have hope. Yes, our brain is our largest sex organ, but it’s also changeable! We can rewire our brain, to want again!
Focussing on intimacy as a way to neurologically ‘rewire’ our pleasure is a way to achieve this. Cuddling, kissing, touching, words of love, all of these things contribute to your feeling warm, safe and intimate with your partner and that can help reduce the pressure of it all. Why? Because when we take the pressure off, when we remove 'sex' from the equation, people start to feel less hesitant about it and it becomes less of an obligation. Over time with a little connection, we can change the way we think and feel about intimacy, becoming more relaxed about sex (more info on how to do that here).
This moves sex from something that we SHOULD do, to something we WANT to do.
Let’s not forget there’s stress on both sides. Partners can be petrified of hurting us. We have changed bodies, body parts that have been removed or replaced, pain and changed sensitivity. It’s scary on both sides. The bridge between the absence of sex and having sex, is connection, affection and intimacy.
Plus, you can have very erotic experiences without having to have ‘sex’.
You can offer sensual delicious full body massage, watch porn together, tell each other fantasises while touching each other softly, reading erotic literature together, help them self-pleasure, go online toy shopping together, naked cuddling with the disclaimer that it isn't going to lead to anything or go anywhere, you're just enjoying each other’s skin (when you remove that pressure and just enjoy each other’s bodies, arousal can follow). Playing the 2 minute game is great for mismatched libido and it's a bunch of fun!
Think about: What makes you feel good? What makes them feel good?
Write it down and try some things! Remember you can give touch without having to receive it. Sex does not always need to be two-way; it can be one way! And offering a partner pleasure can feel really fun for you too!
Please know that you are normal. After cancer, desire becomes 'reactive' rather than 'proactive'. We can't expect to want sex all of the time, it's just not possible in our lives, especially during and after treatments. We need our brains to reconnect to our bodies, bodies that we have been trying to disconnect from during treatments as a way to cope.
Make intimacy your priority, feel connected and reduce that guilt. Communicate, kiss, hug, be together, go slowly. Let your brain have time to quiet down enough to really enjoy the touch and sensations you’re feeling and kick-start that neural re-wiring process so you start to want again. That’s when we can have desire, that's when we can proactively start to want again (for more info on libido and its recovery, click here).
When we're feeling loved, warm, relaxed and connected, THAT'S when you start to want. That's when 'desire' can exist.
For some of us, reading the information can be enough, but others need a little more practical guidance on the HOW to do this. So if you're curious to know more about how to get your desire back with someone guiding you the whole way, check out this online libido recovery course for couples.
You don't have to do this alone.
...
If you're after information on all things intimacy and cancer, seeTHE BOOK.
If you're impacted by cancer and need support regarding the more 'intimate' struggles we face, join the private facebook group: 'Intimacy and Cancer' for support with thousands of people diagnosed with cancer, from over 40 countries.
Take me back to the cancer resources main page: Click Here
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