Cancer & changes in your orgasm.
Something not really spoken about is how during and after cancer treatments your orgasms can change, or sometimes even disappear.
This is common (it happened to me and many others I support) that is normal, you are normal.
How can they change, you ask? Maybe they're less 'intense', maybe they're more intense! Perhaps you need a LOT more time and play (yum!) to ‘get there’, maybe your body shakes and does the things it normally does, but you don’t really feel any actual orgasm from the sex... What I call a 'ghost-gasm' and was very strange to me during chemo when I first experienced this. There is also the possibility that orgasms and climaxes may not be possible for a while. Sex can still be very pleasurable during cancer treatments, but sometimes our medications block that 'peak' experience.
What’s wonderful, is that your body can 100% relearn how to have them, or have different ones!
It’s basic neuroscience (sorry, that’s my training, I’m a neuro-nerd). Imagine your pleasure is like a bicep. You go to the gym and REGULARLY exercise your bicep muscle and it gets bigger and stronger. You can do the same for your pleasure, but it takes a few things.
Firstly know, that there are multiple potential blockers to climaxing. If you’re on particular anti-depressants or other treatments like chemo, maybe had nerve damage from surgeries and other things, climaxing (orgasms) may not be achievable just yet. It’s okay, you can still have a LOT of pleasure. Sex can still be great sex during and after cancer, without the end point, without that 'goal'. Pleasure is pleasurable!
If you would like to relearn how to have orgasms, or better put, if you would like to rewire your pleasure so the body you now have can have climaxes (even if they’re a little different) there’s something to try.
Regular self pleasure with a few rules.
I’m talking even just 2-5 minutes a day (10 would be better!)
1. Remove the goal, remove the pressure.
Ban the orgasm. You heard me! You are only allowed to touch and enjoy your body to rewire your brain and associate touch with ‘goal-free’ pleasure. This neurologically starts to rewire your brain in the background, that intimacy isn’t about the pressure of that goal (and removing that pressure can help be the thing that gets you there quicker). Better yet, if you have a partner/s, have a ‘no orgasm allowed’ touch-fest a few times a week. Even if you currently can’t orgasm, removing it verbally as a rule is free’ing and allows us to really enjoy the touch we’re receiving (and it gets better!). This sounds crazy, but removing the goal can help you get to the goal! You can do this with a partner, but it if so, put a timer on and you're only allowed to touch while the timer (5-10mins) is on. That helps remove the pressure of it having to go lead somewhere.
2. Breathe & relax.
Breath is powerful, as it gets the blood flowing to our internal tissues. We tense up and hold our breath when we’re in pleasure or trying to have an intense moment. Relax your muscles and breathe (remember, this is about pleasure not orgasms, so be curious). This gets blood flow to the deep internal tissues. With blood flow, the tissues get oxygenated and guess what? Our sensitivity increases and SO DOES OUR PLEASURE!
3. Slow it down.
Some of my work includes masturbation coaching with clients, teaching people that there is more than fast paced standard movements. When we rush, we get distracted and then that ‘should’ brain (the obligation and pressure of getting somewhere) can get in the way. Plus, going slow allows blood flow and muscles to relax… again, blood-flow increases our pleasure! Plus, cancer treatments often give us a slower arousal response, so we need more time to really get into it. Orgasms may be achievable, they just need more effort (and some time to resensitise your body by doing these things!).
4. Repetition.
To make change neurologically you need time and repetition. Self pleasure regularly, a few times a few weeks /months, maybe 5mins of loving touch every day if you can (but a few times a week if that’s more doable for you). Pleasure rewiring is not a quick fix, but from someone who’s been-there-done-that post treatments, it can be done!
5. Lastly, TOYS!
Explore with vibration as it offers stimulation to the deeper tissues and in a way we can’t offer with our hands. It’s a great kick-starter for those times when you want to experience pleasure, but aren’t sure exactly what your body enjoys. If you’re not sure where to start looking (as the range of intimacy toys is endless), there's some information here.
Firstly, for people with a vulva, the vagina is not designed to have peak orgasmic experiences, the clitoris is. So you could try stimulating your clitoris externally before and during penetration type play.
For people with a penis, there are now incredible ranges of vibrators for penises (info here). Plus, if you are experiencing changes in erection, remember that your delightful soft penis is 100% capable of pleasure and orgasms. So don't stress if you have changes in erection, because you can still have a LOT of pleasure.
Lastly, please know there is nothing wrong with using toys. Just like we use glasses to read better, we can use toys to pleasure better. And toy shopping with a partner? Best foreplay ever!
This is a very basic list and I know our bodies are much more complicated than a few simple steps, but the information here is truly powerful. Our desire and arousal is so complicated during and after cancer treatments, and also for partners. Be kind to yourselves, this is tough and the changes in your body may well be temporary.
It's pretty strange to write about, but I get asked for advice about this a lot (hence this article & Book), so know you're not alone.
This is common (it happened to me and many others I support) that is normal, you are normal.
How can they change, you ask? Maybe they're less 'intense', maybe they're more intense! Perhaps you need a LOT more time and play (yum!) to ‘get there’, maybe your body shakes and does the things it normally does, but you don’t really feel any actual orgasm from the sex... What I call a 'ghost-gasm' and was very strange to me during chemo when I first experienced this. There is also the possibility that orgasms and climaxes may not be possible for a while. Sex can still be very pleasurable during cancer treatments, but sometimes our medications block that 'peak' experience.
What’s wonderful, is that your body can 100% relearn how to have them, or have different ones!
It’s basic neuroscience (sorry, that’s my training, I’m a neuro-nerd). Imagine your pleasure is like a bicep. You go to the gym and REGULARLY exercise your bicep muscle and it gets bigger and stronger. You can do the same for your pleasure, but it takes a few things.
Firstly know, that there are multiple potential blockers to climaxing. If you’re on particular anti-depressants or other treatments like chemo, maybe had nerve damage from surgeries and other things, climaxing (orgasms) may not be achievable just yet. It’s okay, you can still have a LOT of pleasure. Sex can still be great sex during and after cancer, without the end point, without that 'goal'. Pleasure is pleasurable!
If you would like to relearn how to have orgasms, or better put, if you would like to rewire your pleasure so the body you now have can have climaxes (even if they’re a little different) there’s something to try.
Regular self pleasure with a few rules.
I’m talking even just 2-5 minutes a day (10 would be better!)
1. Remove the goal, remove the pressure.
Ban the orgasm. You heard me! You are only allowed to touch and enjoy your body to rewire your brain and associate touch with ‘goal-free’ pleasure. This neurologically starts to rewire your brain in the background, that intimacy isn’t about the pressure of that goal (and removing that pressure can help be the thing that gets you there quicker). Better yet, if you have a partner/s, have a ‘no orgasm allowed’ touch-fest a few times a week. Even if you currently can’t orgasm, removing it verbally as a rule is free’ing and allows us to really enjoy the touch we’re receiving (and it gets better!). This sounds crazy, but removing the goal can help you get to the goal! You can do this with a partner, but it if so, put a timer on and you're only allowed to touch while the timer (5-10mins) is on. That helps remove the pressure of it having to go lead somewhere.
2. Breathe & relax.
Breath is powerful, as it gets the blood flowing to our internal tissues. We tense up and hold our breath when we’re in pleasure or trying to have an intense moment. Relax your muscles and breathe (remember, this is about pleasure not orgasms, so be curious). This gets blood flow to the deep internal tissues. With blood flow, the tissues get oxygenated and guess what? Our sensitivity increases and SO DOES OUR PLEASURE!
3. Slow it down.
Some of my work includes masturbation coaching with clients, teaching people that there is more than fast paced standard movements. When we rush, we get distracted and then that ‘should’ brain (the obligation and pressure of getting somewhere) can get in the way. Plus, going slow allows blood flow and muscles to relax… again, blood-flow increases our pleasure! Plus, cancer treatments often give us a slower arousal response, so we need more time to really get into it. Orgasms may be achievable, they just need more effort (and some time to resensitise your body by doing these things!).
4. Repetition.
To make change neurologically you need time and repetition. Self pleasure regularly, a few times a few weeks /months, maybe 5mins of loving touch every day if you can (but a few times a week if that’s more doable for you). Pleasure rewiring is not a quick fix, but from someone who’s been-there-done-that post treatments, it can be done!
5. Lastly, TOYS!
Explore with vibration as it offers stimulation to the deeper tissues and in a way we can’t offer with our hands. It’s a great kick-starter for those times when you want to experience pleasure, but aren’t sure exactly what your body enjoys. If you’re not sure where to start looking (as the range of intimacy toys is endless), there's some information here.
Firstly, for people with a vulva, the vagina is not designed to have peak orgasmic experiences, the clitoris is. So you could try stimulating your clitoris externally before and during penetration type play.
For people with a penis, there are now incredible ranges of vibrators for penises (info here). Plus, if you are experiencing changes in erection, remember that your delightful soft penis is 100% capable of pleasure and orgasms. So don't stress if you have changes in erection, because you can still have a LOT of pleasure.
Lastly, please know there is nothing wrong with using toys. Just like we use glasses to read better, we can use toys to pleasure better. And toy shopping with a partner? Best foreplay ever!
This is a very basic list and I know our bodies are much more complicated than a few simple steps, but the information here is truly powerful. Our desire and arousal is so complicated during and after cancer treatments, and also for partners. Be kind to yourselves, this is tough and the changes in your body may well be temporary.
It's pretty strange to write about, but I get asked for advice about this a lot (hence this article & Book), so know you're not alone.
Take me back to the cancer resources main page: Click Here
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