Losing your breasts doesn’t have to mean losing your sex
The loss of a body part is hard and the loss of a sexual body part can add extra challenges to that loss. I’m talking about breasts and for some of us, our breasts and nipples are/were a primary source of pleasure (erogenous zones) and a key part of our sexuality.
Cancer takes away so much of our sexuality, and this is just one more thing to add to the list. The cold hardness of a replaced breast, the total lack of sensation we now have, the flat absence of where they used to be, or the numb circle of skin that used to be a nipple. Whether they’ve been removed entirely or replaced, it is loss.
I had a breast removed and reconstructed from my lower back tissue nearly two years ago and as I type this, still have no nipple. The breast is firm, a different shape, points in a different direction, feels colder to the touch (could be in my mind) and has zero sensation (not in my mind). Initially, I was in my head about it, feeling self-conscious, embarrassed, and anxious (especially the one nipple missing part!). Losing sensation and pleasure is still hard for me. I miss it; I have lost a piece of my sexuality and I hear this from so many others I support.
The amazing thing about the human body is that we can create NEW erogenous zones! Remember, our sex and pleasure are what’s between our ears and not our legs (our brain is our largest sex organ).
Think of your pleasure and sensations like a bicep. The more you work on it, the stronger it gets. The less you work on it, the weaker it gets (basic neuroplasticity principles). Pleasure is exactly the same as that bicep. You can 'create' new highly pleasurable erogenous zones all over your body, with slow soft touch and being present to how good it feels. Over time, you can have such amazing pleasure from other body areas (neck/inner thighs/ears/lips/belly/lower back etc).
For those that know my work in sexuality, know how much I am always going on about the neurology of pleasure and how we can rewire our bodies for greater pleasure and sensation. The loss of sensation and a body part includes nerve damage or removal, so the sensation might not come back. But with attention and a bit of repetition of touch, you can 100% have the same (or more) pleasure from other parts of your body.
How is this done?
Being intimate, focussing on SLOW TOUCH while being curious can start the process to create new erogenous zones. Play the 2-minute game asking for attention to other parts of your body, offer yourself soft slow touch when you wake up in the morning for 5 minutes each day. Your inner thighs can be just as erotic as your breasts or nipples once were with touch. It all starts with giving other parts of your body attention with slow touch and repetition. Neurological change doesn’t happen over night, but over time it can happen. Remember, pleasure is still pleasurable, even if it’s somewhere else on your delicious body!
In the meantime, getting out of our heads can be the barrier to us enjoying touch elsewhere on our body. So if you’re getting intimate and feeling self-conscious about your body, pop a little lacy number on, or an item of clothing that's a lovely, sensual material. Something that FEELS nice and also helps reduce the anxiety, which will help get your head back into the experience (and help you feel more pleasure on other parts of your body!). It's okay to get sexy while wearing clothing. Or try some positions that aren't so full-frontal to help you relax and enjoy (click here for what those positions are!)
Just like everything else in cancer, it's a process. Please remember to grieve, process and share how you’re feeling. None of this is easy, but the loss of a body part doesn’t have to mean the loss of your sex or your pleasure.
Cancer takes away so much of our sexuality, and this is just one more thing to add to the list. The cold hardness of a replaced breast, the total lack of sensation we now have, the flat absence of where they used to be, or the numb circle of skin that used to be a nipple. Whether they’ve been removed entirely or replaced, it is loss.
I had a breast removed and reconstructed from my lower back tissue nearly two years ago and as I type this, still have no nipple. The breast is firm, a different shape, points in a different direction, feels colder to the touch (could be in my mind) and has zero sensation (not in my mind). Initially, I was in my head about it, feeling self-conscious, embarrassed, and anxious (especially the one nipple missing part!). Losing sensation and pleasure is still hard for me. I miss it; I have lost a piece of my sexuality and I hear this from so many others I support.
The amazing thing about the human body is that we can create NEW erogenous zones! Remember, our sex and pleasure are what’s between our ears and not our legs (our brain is our largest sex organ).
Think of your pleasure and sensations like a bicep. The more you work on it, the stronger it gets. The less you work on it, the weaker it gets (basic neuroplasticity principles). Pleasure is exactly the same as that bicep. You can 'create' new highly pleasurable erogenous zones all over your body, with slow soft touch and being present to how good it feels. Over time, you can have such amazing pleasure from other body areas (neck/inner thighs/ears/lips/belly/lower back etc).
For those that know my work in sexuality, know how much I am always going on about the neurology of pleasure and how we can rewire our bodies for greater pleasure and sensation. The loss of sensation and a body part includes nerve damage or removal, so the sensation might not come back. But with attention and a bit of repetition of touch, you can 100% have the same (or more) pleasure from other parts of your body.
How is this done?
Being intimate, focussing on SLOW TOUCH while being curious can start the process to create new erogenous zones. Play the 2-minute game asking for attention to other parts of your body, offer yourself soft slow touch when you wake up in the morning for 5 minutes each day. Your inner thighs can be just as erotic as your breasts or nipples once were with touch. It all starts with giving other parts of your body attention with slow touch and repetition. Neurological change doesn’t happen over night, but over time it can happen. Remember, pleasure is still pleasurable, even if it’s somewhere else on your delicious body!
In the meantime, getting out of our heads can be the barrier to us enjoying touch elsewhere on our body. So if you’re getting intimate and feeling self-conscious about your body, pop a little lacy number on, or an item of clothing that's a lovely, sensual material. Something that FEELS nice and also helps reduce the anxiety, which will help get your head back into the experience (and help you feel more pleasure on other parts of your body!). It's okay to get sexy while wearing clothing. Or try some positions that aren't so full-frontal to help you relax and enjoy (click here for what those positions are!)
Just like everything else in cancer, it's a process. Please remember to grieve, process and share how you’re feeling. None of this is easy, but the loss of a body part doesn’t have to mean the loss of your sex or your pleasure.
- For more on intimacy & cancer, check out THE BOOK - click here
- For a short video tutorial on sex positions that help get around body-shame/self consciousness - click here
- To know more about the 2-minute game - click here
- To join a Facebook support group of thousands impacted by cancer from all over the world, to discuss all things intimacy & cancer - click here
Take me back to the cancer resources main page: Click Here
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