5 tips for dating after cancer
Dating is scary, I mean even without a cancer diagnosis!
And dropping the ‘C-bomb’ on a date can get REALLY mixed responses like “but you’re normal now right?” or “can you have sex like normal people?”. It isn’t all that bad, there are some people who are incredibly compassionate and respond with kind curiousness, but how do we find them? How do we actually date again without exhausting ourselves and all the stress and fear?
I chatted with dating expert ‘Georgie Wolf’ and we came up with some tips.
1: The filter
Fatigue and low energy levels are a constant after cancer treatments, even years after. So the effort of dating apps, the conversations, the actually going on dates only to be disappointed can all be too much. Here’s a pro-tip, literally from a dating pro! Say you have or have had cancer BEFORE the first date. Put it on your profile, mention it in the hello conversation. This may feel like it will scare some people away (because it will), but this is a good thing because it’s a filter. A filter for the people who won’t be supportive or understanding, and waste your time and energy on small talk and dates that go nowhere. You may be reducing the ‘pool’ so to speak, but a drop in quantity means an increase in quality, and this is what we want. Save your precious energy for the actual potentials.
2. Getting naked (or not!)
Our bodies change after cancer, and so does the way we see ourselves. Our confidence drops and so can our self-esteem, and as Georgie so insightfully mentions in one of our video discussions, people can have crippling body image issues from other life-events, not just cancer. If you mention you’re nervous, people will respond to that honesty and often with understanding, as many of us (most of us) have experienced similar at some point. If they don't respond well to you being open and honest? They're not someone you want to be dating.
So one way towards getting more confident about getting naked in front of someone is the first step, the filter. You’ll be attracting the type of person who will understand if you say you’re a bit nervous to show your body.
Another way to work with your body self-consciousness is remembering that you don’t need to be naked to get intimate. You can wear clothes that cover specific body parts (singlets, teddies, sarongs, towels and more). Plus, you can have the lights low and get intimate in positions that aren’t full-frontal. I have a whole video on what positions are great for working around body-shame, if you're interested! This allows you to go slow, not push yourself and reduces that brain-chatter during intimacy.
3. Warm-up!
I’m not only talking about foreplay, (which is always necessary and will increase your arousal, desire and sexual confidence with others). I’m also talking about warming-up your sexual SELF-confidence!
4. Gamify it.
A little bit of structure goes a loooong way, especially with potentially awkward social environments (that’s my nice way of saying dates are pretty awkward).
On a date, play a question and answer game where you take turns asking and answering questions (I love it as a way to get to know people) and after a few rounds of the small talk questions covering topics like food and movie interests, ask the question "what's something that's different about your body?". After they’ve responded and it’s your turn to answer, you can describe your body, but do it in a way of amazement. Like, 'how amazing is medicine!' kind of framing. It normalises it, shows that you’re okay to talk about it (gives them space to ask questions) and sets the tone. This is also brilliant as it starts with your date/the other person telling you something strange about their body first, and you listen with curiosity and compassion. It sets the stage.
If it doesn't go well, you know not to go on another date with them.
5. Baby-stepping towards sex.
If you’ve really hit it off and want to get intimate but are feeling scared, play the two minute game (click here for instructions if you’re interested). I love this game and have been playing it for years including well before, during and after my cancer treatments with partners and also dates. It’s brilliant and is the perfect gentle step from enjoying conversation with someone, to enjoying intimacy with someone (without having to leap straight into sex).
These are just a few ideas and suggestions and I truly hope some of the above has been useful to you. It's scary, in so many ways, but know that there are good people out there and as scary as it may seem, you're not alone.
More resources on dating and cancer:
And dropping the ‘C-bomb’ on a date can get REALLY mixed responses like “but you’re normal now right?” or “can you have sex like normal people?”. It isn’t all that bad, there are some people who are incredibly compassionate and respond with kind curiousness, but how do we find them? How do we actually date again without exhausting ourselves and all the stress and fear?
I chatted with dating expert ‘Georgie Wolf’ and we came up with some tips.
1: The filter
Fatigue and low energy levels are a constant after cancer treatments, even years after. So the effort of dating apps, the conversations, the actually going on dates only to be disappointed can all be too much. Here’s a pro-tip, literally from a dating pro! Say you have or have had cancer BEFORE the first date. Put it on your profile, mention it in the hello conversation. This may feel like it will scare some people away (because it will), but this is a good thing because it’s a filter. A filter for the people who won’t be supportive or understanding, and waste your time and energy on small talk and dates that go nowhere. You may be reducing the ‘pool’ so to speak, but a drop in quantity means an increase in quality, and this is what we want. Save your precious energy for the actual potentials.
2. Getting naked (or not!)
Our bodies change after cancer, and so does the way we see ourselves. Our confidence drops and so can our self-esteem, and as Georgie so insightfully mentions in one of our video discussions, people can have crippling body image issues from other life-events, not just cancer. If you mention you’re nervous, people will respond to that honesty and often with understanding, as many of us (most of us) have experienced similar at some point. If they don't respond well to you being open and honest? They're not someone you want to be dating.
So one way towards getting more confident about getting naked in front of someone is the first step, the filter. You’ll be attracting the type of person who will understand if you say you’re a bit nervous to show your body.
Another way to work with your body self-consciousness is remembering that you don’t need to be naked to get intimate. You can wear clothes that cover specific body parts (singlets, teddies, sarongs, towels and more). Plus, you can have the lights low and get intimate in positions that aren’t full-frontal. I have a whole video on what positions are great for working around body-shame, if you're interested! This allows you to go slow, not push yourself and reduces that brain-chatter during intimacy.
3. Warm-up!
I’m not only talking about foreplay, (which is always necessary and will increase your arousal, desire and sexual confidence with others). I’m also talking about warming-up your sexual SELF-confidence!
- Set yourself a date each week, where you touch your body softly. All over.
- Get a mirror and look at your body, get to know it, but do so with kindness. If you have scars/replaced or removed body parts, look at other parts of your body first... go slow.
- Wear clothing that makes you FEEL good... if you don't have any, that's okay, BUY some!
- Get a few toys that offer pleasure and stimulation to kickstart your sex and sexual confidence (more info here).
4. Gamify it.
A little bit of structure goes a loooong way, especially with potentially awkward social environments (that’s my nice way of saying dates are pretty awkward).
On a date, play a question and answer game where you take turns asking and answering questions (I love it as a way to get to know people) and after a few rounds of the small talk questions covering topics like food and movie interests, ask the question "what's something that's different about your body?". After they’ve responded and it’s your turn to answer, you can describe your body, but do it in a way of amazement. Like, 'how amazing is medicine!' kind of framing. It normalises it, shows that you’re okay to talk about it (gives them space to ask questions) and sets the tone. This is also brilliant as it starts with your date/the other person telling you something strange about their body first, and you listen with curiosity and compassion. It sets the stage.
If it doesn't go well, you know not to go on another date with them.
5. Baby-stepping towards sex.
If you’ve really hit it off and want to get intimate but are feeling scared, play the two minute game (click here for instructions if you’re interested). I love this game and have been playing it for years including well before, during and after my cancer treatments with partners and also dates. It’s brilliant and is the perfect gentle step from enjoying conversation with someone, to enjoying intimacy with someone (without having to leap straight into sex).
These are just a few ideas and suggestions and I truly hope some of the above has been useful to you. It's scary, in so many ways, but know that there are good people out there and as scary as it may seem, you're not alone.
More resources on dating and cancer:
- For more information on the two-minute game, click here.
- To join a Facebook support group of thousands impacted by cancer from all over the world, to discuss all things intimacy & cancer - click here
- For Georgie Wolf’s book on ways to navigate dating and sex, click here.
- For a Book on all things intimacy & cancer, click here.
- If you’d like to watch short conversations with Georgie Wolf on the below topics, click on the below video links!
Take me back to the cancer resources main page: Click Here
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